abuse of power — Blog (The Dancing Hummingbird)

Tough Love Is Killing Empathy

Tough love has really become en vogue in the last few years spawned on by the coaching movement. Tough love is considered love that’s “good for you.” Unfortunately, the popularity of tough love is justifying bullies. Many believe people are playing victims and when they do, they should not show them empathy or love, but call them out on their weakness to toughen them up.

I remember one time in a coaching session my coach said to me, “You are being a victim.”

To which I replied, “I am being authentic. I don’t appreciate you labeling me.”

When we label someone, we pigeon in who they are and don’t see the full person. They just become one word.

Do you identify with being referred to as only one word to describe you? Or are you fuller and more complex than a single word?

My coach then said, “You are being a baby.”

I said, “Do not call me a baby; do not label me. I do not label my clients and I appreciate you to show me the same courtesy.”

“Why?” she asked. “Wouldn’t you want to know?! I would want to know! I would want my coach to tell me if I was being a victim or a baby.”

The New Know-It-All Bullies

I am fortunate to say that I was not bullied growing up, but sadly, I see that bullying and more specifically, cyberbullying is on the rise.

I do not believe in public humiliation, so I won’t use her name, but there is a very famous business coach, a millionaire, who uses bullying tactics to get her new clients and to control the clients she has. she was the first to say, “Make your mess your message“, “ It’s either a Hell yes or a no”, and “How you do anything is how you do everything.“

Yes, she’s got some catchy sayings and some great messages.

But it is never okay to bully. (Shame, judge, criticize) someone publicly. This is a manipulation tactic to control another person, to silence them, and embarrass them into submission. Unfortunately, it is used a lot in the coaching world and it puts a coach in a position of power/authority.

No longer are bullies on the playground, but they are adults with deep wounds that others are hiring. I followed this coach for some time before I realized that she was a bully. I was so impressed by her ability to go from a secretary to a millionaire and to have a thriving business with a huge staff and a huge following. I wanted to be a successful entrepreneur like her. I wanted to learn how she did it.

It wasn’t until I hopped on a free group coaching call that I clearly saw her scare tactics in motion. She coached us one-by-one on our specific problems and then at the end, she invited us to her live in-person event in Vegas on specific dates. I remember the first woman she coached. She said, “Thank you. Unfortunately, I can’t attend because my daughter is having her first baby and of course, I don’t know the exact date it will happen, but she is due around the same time as your event and I plan to be there two weeks to help out, so I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it this year, but would love to attend next year.“

It's A Bigger Issue Than Racism

Last year one of my clients asked me to teach empathy since he believed that the world needed more empathy. No one ever asked me to teach empathy before so I thought about it for a minute. I have been an empath all of my life, but can empathy be taught? I concluded that it can’t. Compassion can be taught; mindfulness can be taught but empathy cannot be taught, especially as one gets older.

Luckily I grew up with my father being empathic so I was around empathy growing up. Kids develop most of their personality by the age of 7.

I grew up in a predominantly white environment as one of the few African American families in town. Looking at me, most people don’t expect it, but like other African-Americans, I was exposed to racism. But I was exposed to racism in a different way than most since many people didn’t know if I was white or black.

On the school bus, I remembered one kid saying how much he hated blacks and my neighbor tried to shush him saying, “Be quiet! Khristee’s on the bus!”

To which he replied, “Who cares? She’s not black!”

To which my neighbor replied, “Yes, she is!”

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